Yesterday somebody asked me what I wanted out of life at this time....the idea of my even wanting something for myself was so alien that I was without any words to answer this simple question. Thus making me realize that I have once again gotten so caught up in keeping everybody around me happy, conforming to everybody's ideas of being good and perfect and keeping the peace between people with opposing ideologies, that it no longer matters what I want. And whats scary, and depressing, is that none of the people I care about also seem to care about what would make me happy. They all have their own ideas of whats good for me, and are constantly trying to make the situation conform to their own ideas. Consequently, I have become nothing but a battleground for people I care about. Which, I guess, explains my low mood all this while.

So, what do I want? Actually, more than anything else, I want the freedom to make my own choices and decisions. I want somebody to let go of their own mindsets and say that, hey, you come first for me, and I will do what makes you happy...And I will let you do what makes you happy. I want to stop constantly putting myself in other people's shoes, and have them step into my shoes for a while.

I want to write a book -- the ideas have been playing around in my mind for a long, long time, but am just not getting the emotional space and time to get down to doing something about them.

I want to go to UK for a while and work in one of the media outlets there or enroll in a study program to hone my journalistic skills, with the sort of knowledge and experience thats just not available in India.

I want to finish the research project that I am doing on how hi-tech gadgetry and blogging are changing the rules of journalism.

I want to explore the hinterlands of India. Recently I went to Bhuj on a work assignment, and it was such a beautiful experience. I want to travel to more such places, this time without the shackles of work.

Then I want to go on a backpacking expedition across Europe and spend a few weeks soaking in Paris, London, Milan and the like.

I want to switch off the halogen bulbs, light a few candles, burn some green tea and lavender incense, snuggle into a down comforter and read a good book without being interrupted.

I want, at least, the option of defining my own future. Is that too much to ask for??